Lessons for a Werewolf Warrior Read online

  Dedication

  To all the heroes.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  The Best Ice-Cream Shop in the Universes

  Chapter 1: A Stuffed Poodle Christmas

  Chapter 2: The Revenge of the Greedle

  Chapter 3: An Unexpected Hero

  Chapter 4: Saved by Rat Surprise

  Chapter 5: The Werewolf General

  Chapter 6: Wormholes through Universes

  Chapter 7: A School for Heroes

  Chapter 8: Underpants, Toilets and Weird Humans

  Chapter 9: Footsteps down the Wormhole

  Chapter 10: Why You Don’t Sniff a Princess’s Bum

  Chapter 11: Doom! Doom!

  Chapter 12: A Wee Problem

  Chapter 13: A Mate named Mug

  Chapter 14: Ms Snott and Dr Hogg

  Chapter 15: Wham! Bam! Pow!

  Chapter 16: The Kung Poo Hero Returns

  Chapter 17: Midnight at the School for Heroes

  Chapter 18: A Warrior Mouse

  Chapter 19: Bogey Secrets

  Chapter 20: Exams and Bunny Bogeys

  Chapter 21: The Attack of the Zombie Sausage

  Chapter 22: Orges, Ghhhhhhouls and Tttttttrolllllllllllllls

  Chapter 23: A Zombie Birthday Party

  Chapter 24: On the Scent of Danger

  Chapter 25: Rest in Pieces

  Chapter 26: Zombie Spaghetti versus the Greedle

  Chapter 27: The Dinosaurs of Yesterday

  Chapter 28: Yesterday’s Secret

  Chapter 29: A True Hero

  Author’s Note

  Excerpt from School for Heroes Book 2

  Chapter 1

  Copyright

  1

  A Stuffed Poodle Christmas

  It was a frosty Christmas Eve in Sleepy Whiskers. Even the tiny flying pigs wore little red and green jumpers. Icicles hung like daggers from every branch, and the wind smelt of cold bones mixed with warm Christmas pudding.

  For Boojum Bark, one of the best things about being a werewolf at Christmas was that you got to eat a wolf-type Christmas dinner of stuffed poodle and squashed-fly pudding, then the grown-ups Changed into human form and everyone ate a second dinner with plum pudding and mince pies.

  Yum, thought Boo, drooling slightly as he bounded over a snowdrift. Mum made the best stuffed poodle in Sleepy Whiskers, as well as her famous ice cream. Only one more delivery today, then back home to the Best Icecream Shop in the Universes to have a (shudder) … bath. Then help Mum stuff the poodle for Christmas dinner!

  Where do pigs get their jumpers from? Boo wondered. The tiny pig tried to land on his nose again. He batted it away from his nose with his paw. ‘Woof! Go and stick your snout into a flower, you silly pig!’

  ‘Oink,’ said the pig reproachfully. It fluttered off, its little wings poking out of its jumper.

  Boo lifted his leg on old Ms Shaggy’s gate post, watched the yellow drops trickle down into the snow, then trotted up to her front door and pressed his nose against the woofer.

  ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!’ The woofer’s noise jangled down the hallway.

  ‘Coming!’ Boo listened to the shuffle of Ms Shaggy’s slippers flapping down the hall. She must be in human form again, he decided. All werewolves started out as puppies, then as they grew older learnt how to Change to human shape whenever they wanted to.

  Huh, thought Boo, hopping from one paw to another so they didn’t freeze on the cold path. If they wanted to! Human shape was boring!

  Ms Shaggy peered down at Boo. She wore long trousers and a cardigan, to cover up the bits that a werewolf’s fur kept warm and hidden.

  ‘Oh, it’s little Boojum Bark. Woof! How sweet of you to deliver my ice cream! It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Best Ice Cream in the Universes.’

  Boo tried not to growl. Cat guts! Sweet?! If one more person called him sweet he’d bite them. It wasn’t his fault he had a curly tail! He had the sharpest fangs in Sleepy Whiskers!

  But he wouldn’t bite old Ms Shaggy. He wouldn’t even lift his leg on her doorstep. Ms Shaggy was nice.

  ‘Woof!’ said Boo politely instead. ‘One carton of the Best Ice Cream in the Universes, Ms Shaggy, and four frozen Rat Surprises. Mum said it was too icy for you to come this afternoon,’ he added. ‘You might slip. Especially on only two feet.’

  Ms Shaggy beamed as she held the carton of ice cream. ‘My great-nephews just love your frozen Rat Surprises. Especially with chocolate-coated beetles on top. I don’t know how your mother manages to make such delicious ice cream! It’s magic!’

  Boo grinned. ‘Thanks, Ms Shaggy. I’ll tell Mum.’

  Ms Shaggy bent down and scratched his ears. Boo endured it.

  ‘Have a lovely Christmas, Boo dear.’ She handed him the money, then a small parcel wrapped in red paper, with a ribbon tied round it so he could carry it in his jaws. ‘Just a little Christmas gift,’ she added. ‘It’s a nice smelly chicken neck.’

  Boo’s tail wagged against the doorpost. Ms Shaggy’s chicken necks were nearly as good as Mum’s ice cream!

  The Bark family had been ice-cream makers forever. Great-great-Grandma Bark had come up with the famous Rat Surprises, and Grandad Bark had thought of Kittenlicious and Choc-coated Maggots. But it was Mum who had invented the recipe for the Best Ice Cream in the Universes, when she took over the shop after his grandparents and dad died, when Boo was a tiny puppy. No one was really sure what the Best Ice Cream in the Universes tasted like — every mouthful was different. But they did know that they adored it.

  And only she and Boo knew the recipe. Boo grinned, sending a little dribble of drool around the package of chicken neck. One day he’d come up with an even better recipe! They’d have to call it Better than the Best Ice Cream!

  Suddenly he pricked up his ears. ‘Grrr! Can you hear something, Ms Shaggy?’

  Ms Shaggy shook her head.

  Of course not, thought Boo. Ms Shaggy was in human form. Humans couldn’t hear as well as wolves! ‘It’s a sort of … grinding noise.’ He could feel it, too, he realised: a faint throbbing under his paws.

  It felt a bit like the way the ground vibrated when a tortoise train brought supplies in from the outlands. But even the biggest tortoise train in Sleepy Whiskers didn’t make the ground vibrate like that.

  Boo shivered. Whatever it was, it was time he went home.

  ‘Woofy Christmas, Ms Shaggy,’ he said politely. He turned away to pad down the icy path.

  ‘Tell your mum Woofy Christmas too!’ called Ms Shaggy.

  But Boo hardly heard her. The strange noise was even louder now. It felt … wrong, he decided. He didn’t even feel like lifting his leg on the gate post again. But he did. Wolves always lifted their leg on every gate post, even if they only left a couple of drops. A wolf had to do what a wolf had to do.

  Boo trotted down the road towards the ice-cream shop. It was growing darker now. Brightly lit windows showed glimpses of families enjoying themselves: dads lifting their legs against Christmas trees and puppies chewing their parcels, trying to work out what was inside.

  Boo shivered again. He wanted to get home fast, to the shop and his basket by the fire. Maybe Mum would whip up a frog and milk for them both …

  He broke into a run.

  ‘Woof, young pup! What’s the hurry? Can’t wait for Christmas?’

  Boo skidded to a halt. Mr Bigpaws was the Mayor of Sleepy Whiskers. His wife trotted beside him with their pups, each dressed in long doggie socks and a little red coat. One of them grinned at him. It was Spot. Spot’s nose was already scarred in a most interesting manner, and one ear was ragged, where her
brothers had chewed on it, too. No one would ever call Spot cute, thought Boo enviously.

  ‘Woof,’ answered Boo politely as Mr Bigpaws sniffed Boo’s bum — it was just plain good wolf manners to sniff another wolf’s bum — then paused to scratch his ear with his back paw. Boo gave his ear a quick scratch too. That was the trouble with fleas — as soon as you saw someone scratching you just had to scratch too, even if you’d just had a … a … (bleugh!) bath and half a tin of flea powder or could feel a weird vibration with your paws …

  Mr Bigpaws looked at him curiously. ‘Everything’s all right, isn’t it?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course, Mr Bigpaws,’ said Boo automatically, trying to speak clearly over the chicken-neck package in his mouth. He hoped Mr Bigpaws hadn’t learnt too much from sniffing his bum, like how he’d forgotten to tidy up the bones under his bed even though Mum had told him to, and how he’d fallen over every time he Changed at Two-Leg class last week. That was the trouble with bum-sniffing — it was hard to hide anything from a wolf who’d sniffed your bum.

  Mr Bigpaws frowned. ‘You smell worried, Boo.’

  ‘Well …’ Boo hesitated. ‘I can hear something.’

  Spot giggled. ‘So can I. Someone’s howling Christmas carols.’

  ‘No, I mean something strange. Something I’ve never heard or felt before.’ Boo frowned. ‘I can smell something too. Like … like popcorn.’

  Mr Bigpaws pricked up his ears. He stood still for a moment, his nostrils wide, his paws feeling the ground, and then he nodded. ‘You know, I think I know what you mean. But I’ve never smelt a popcorn scent quite like that! It feels like something is digging, too … Something enormous …’

  ‘But that’s impossible!’ said Mrs Bigpaws. ‘Who’d be digging on Christmas Eve?’

  Suddenly the hackles rose on Mr Bigpaws’s neck. ‘Right, you pups. Home!’ he barked. ‘Now!’

  ‘But, Dad —’ began Spot.

  ‘Go!’

  Spot began to run, her tail between her legs. The other pups ran after her. Mr Bigpaws turned to Boo. ‘You’d better go with them.’

  ‘But why —’ began Boo.

  ‘Because those vibrations are coming from the ice-cream shop,’ growled Mr Bigpaws quietly.

  ‘What?! Then I’m coming too! Mum’s in there!

  ‘This is no business for puppies,’ growled Mrs Bigpaws. ‘Sit, boy! Sit!’

  Boo sat automatically. ‘Maybe the ice-cream mixer has gone bung,’ he suggested hopefully. ‘Or maybe …’

  Suddenly the vibrations stopped. The digging sounds stopped as well. Boo felt the breath seep back into his body. It was going to be all right!

  But both the Bigpaws had already begun to creep up the icy path to the shop. Boo padded after them, catching up just as Mr Bigpaws pushed the door open with his nose.

  ‘Woof?’ enquired Mr Bigpaws softly as he stepped into the shop. Mrs Bigpaws followed him.

  The hairs lifted on the back of Boo’s neck. He could smell strawberries too. Like strawberry jam! He raced up the steps after the Bigpaws.

  The shop was empty.

  ‘Mum?’ he yelled. ‘Mum, where are you? Mr Bigpaws? What’s happening?’

  He glanced around. Everything looked all right — the wooden counter, low enough for wolves to get their noses over, the big display freezers, empty of Rat Surprises after all the Christmas deliveries. ‘Mum?’ he called again.

  No one answered. Boo gulped. ‘Mr Bigpaws? Mrs Bigpaws? Woof? Woof woof?’

  Silence.

  The popcorn scent was so thick he could almost see it.

  Boo padded across the shop and poked his nose around the door into the kitchen. And then he stopped.

  There was Mr Bigpaws, strangely still. Mrs Bigpaws stood like a statue beside him. There was Mum, her paws stuck to the paddle she used for stirring the ice cream, her eyes desperate and pleading. Their coats glistened weirdly in the lantern light. Why don’t they move? wondered Boo.

  The stink of popcorn and strawberry jam filled the room.

  ‘Mum?’ he whispered again.

  There was the big kitchen table. There was the big wooden ice-cream vat, still half full of the last batch of the Best Ice Cream in the Universes. And there was …

  2

  The Revenge of the Greedle

  Boo felt his breath leave his body. The creature by the vats was like nothing he had ever seen before!

  It was short. Its body was mostly mouth with teeth like needles; a black gaping hole waiting to be filled. Its belly sagged between stumpy frog-like legs. Its skin was red and shiny, and even though it had no fur it wore no clothes at all.

  Tiny eyes stared at him with intelligence and cunning. ‘Ah, the young ice-cream maker!’ Its voice was sugary, like it had eaten a dozen cream buns and a box of fudge. ‘Good afternoon! I am the Greedle.’ The creature bowed.

  The butcher, the baker,

  The nice popcorn shaker.

  None is as sweet

  As a good ice-cream maker!

  Go on, my Zurm! Get him!’

  ‘No!’ screamed Boo.

  But it was too late. Something slithered across his back. Something big and slimy, oozing coldness wherever it touched his skin and fur.

  The coldness smelt like strawberry jam.

  He couldn’t move. He couldn’t even twitch his nose. His paws were glued to the floor. He struggled, just as the thing slithered in front of him.

  It looked like a gigantic worm, long and much too white, with a blunt head and an ooze of strawberry-smelling slime weeping from its tail. That’s what had glued him up, Boo realised desperately, as the giant worm’s vacant eyes stared down at him. He tried to move his paws, his mouth, even a whisker.

  The needle-fanged thing laughed. Its teeth were pearl coloured inside the blood-red mouth. It sounded genuinely amused.

  The little puppy cannot move?

  Ah, dear Zurm, I do approve.

  Now pick him up and —

  Its shiny red forehead creased into a frown. ‘It can be hard to find a rhyme under pressure. Remove rhymes, but how do I fit it in? So pick him up and now remove? And we are going to remove you, you know.’

  The horrible creature turned to the giant worm.

  Now off you go, my darling Zurm,

  And spread your glue, so cold and firm.

  And when it coats this silly town,

  They’ll rue the greed that’s my renown.

  ‘Not one of my best poems,’ the Greedle admitted.

  But I have a tiny worry,

  And I’m really in a hurry.

  I can’t risk anyone escaping and alerting a Hero.

  ‘Glurk glurk gluuuuuurk …’ breathed the Zurm obediently. Its voice was slimy too.

  ‘No!’ Boo’d meant it to be a growl. But it was just a croak, the only sound his strawberry-jammed-up jaws could make.

  The Greedle looked at him in surprise.

  So the little puppy can still speak

  Even though it’s just a squeak.

  That’s very good! But it’s no use.

  You really should —

  The Greedle frowned again. ‘It’s just so hard making superb poetry on an expedition like this. Mostly, you know, I leave all this killing-whole-villages stuff to my bogeys. Which leaves me free for all the good things in life: poetry and perfume — my favourite is popcorn, such a lovely scent, don’t you think? And food. Lovely, lovely food. But this little expedition is … special.’ The monster grinned at him. Its fangs glinted. A drop of drool trickled down its tummy.

  Revenge you see is very sweet,

  Just like something yum to eat

  For years ago, when I was small,

  I crept up to an ice-cream stall.

  Ah, small puppy, what delight,

  I fell in love there at first sight,

  All that ice cream, creamy white.

  All I wanted was one bite …

  And I was really so polite …

  The fanged face lost it’s grin
.

  But I had no coins with me

  So you see I had to be

  All alone and so hungry …

  ‘It was ice cream that started it all,’ hissed the creature. ‘Ice cream that first made me so hungry! Determined that every good thing to eat in the universe would be mine! Mine! The revenge of the Greedle.’

  I’m going to die, thought Boo. The Greedle’s tiny eyes crinkled as it smiled. It was a smile that could freeze a universe.

  ‘No, little puppykins.’ The Greedle almost sounded friendly. ‘You’re not going to die. Not here. Not now. Everyone else in this silly little town will die, though, as soon as my Zurm oozes out and strawberry-jams them up — forever.

  Their thirst will grow

  All nice and slow.

  And then they’ll freeze,

  Amid the snow.

  A perfect Christmas present. Well perfect for me, anyway. Maybe not quite so perfect for them.’

  ‘What do you want? What have you done to us?’ Boo’s squeak sounded like fingernails scraping on a blackboard.

  ‘Guess,’ said the Greedle gleefully. ‘What’s the one thing this silly little town has got that might interest the most powerful creature in the universes, hmmm? The statue of the World’s Biggest Bone at the town hall? I don’t think so. A nice puppy collar?’ The Greedle’s eyes grew soft and dreamy. ‘No, there’s only one thing worth having in this place. One thing worth crossing the universes for.’ It wrapped its tiny hands around the ice cream vat and began to drool.

  ‘Ice cream?!’ squeaked Boo. ‘You just want some ice cream?’

  ‘Not some ice cream!’ cried the Greedle. ‘The ice cream. The Best Ice Cream in the Universes.

  The Greedle’s tiny steely eyes grew soft once more as they gazed down at the creamy mixture. ‘When you are the most powerful creature in the universes you deserve the best! The best food in the universes!’

  The Greedle’s drool dripped onto the floor. ‘The best pizzas, oooh yummmmm, with lots of bubbling cheese and a thick fat crust! The best potato chips, so crisp people can hear them crackle from the next universe when I bite into them. And now I have the best ice cream—and the ice-cream maker too! Mine forever!’ The Greedle’s smile grew wider again.